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I need cash! [29 Nov 2005|11:07am]
[ mood | bored ]

I really need money. I'm stopping drugs for awhile cause that is burning a hole in my pocket. I pack of ciggs. just has to last me like at least 2 weeks. I need $460 very soon and thats not even money for like Christmas and what not.

If anyone has any work then need me to do. School work, Cleaning, just anything I am willing to do it. I just wont give sexual pleasures sorry I'm taken.

Anyway the play is in two days and I don't know all my lines. Its fuckin crazy the month just fly by when your having a good time. This is the faster year that i can remember and its fuckin insane. I must say I am loving my senior year!

Nothing relaly has been going on. My brother comes home soon and hopefully he is leaving soon after. Me and Serj are doing fine. I can't wait to see him today.

Uh school .. I have 4 classes for the day and then I'm done. I would just leave but my mom is home and i have no where to go. SO here i am just hanging out. I would learn my lines but i did 2nd period and my head hurts. Plus im going to study next period.

My tummy hurts from my god damn period .... and I am hungry ... oh yeah I need a fuckin cigg.

Alright im out this bitch!

5 comments|post comment

What a life... [15 Nov 2005|11:34am]
[ mood | content ]

I guess I am back open. I do need some sort of Journal to remind myself in a few years how high School is really the worst and best years of our lives. I've been having so much fun as a senior and shit its only November. I have parties at my once once or twice a week where a bunch of my amazing friends come over and we forget every thing that has gone wrong. I don't know if I should name them but they know. Noelle as usually is my best friend and we've been living life every step together. She is really a senior, she just doesn't know. I've spent more time with her this year then any other time, she is just fuckin amazing.

A lot of drama has happened though. Nothing that really has been with me but its been around and its the same people starting it ... some shit never change. I just don't let it bother me, just don't talk to them, pretend they don't existence and even if you had good times with them completely erase it.

Having a car has made me into a real bad ass. Never in school, never stayy for the whole day, its to the point that i'm dropping all the classes I don't need just so I can leave every day without thinking about failing. A Saturn Vue, thats my baby .. its so god damn sexy. Black on tan leather seats ... there is a lot of room in it too.

I met this kid name Serj in RCC night school, that I do attend for failing weight training and MILES did help me fail that class, just needed every one to know. He goes to Ramapo and he is just amazing. I wasn't sure if I would ever meet anyone that understood me like Matt, that I felt comfortable with. Yeah Matt will always be my first love but Serj is just amazing. They have similarities, but Serj just has his shit together, his better then I am. I love him, like I really love him and I am really fuckin happy, which in my opinion is all that matters.

Holy shit work is a bitch! I deal with some really stuck up people that know their god damn coffee. Its funny what people decided to pay attention to. No not the war, poverty, AIDs lets give the young girl a problem about my latte cause I don't think she put enough foam.

I'm in school .. 1. I came in 4th period 2. I haven't been to one class 3. I don't plan on going to any class but 7th just cause I don't do any work anyway.

I did start my college essay while I was here though so thats an improvement. Yesterday I didn't go to school I was with Serj sleeping and I cooked for him .. I wrote my horror story for creative writing. So its really not THAT bad!

Crap doo doo .. the school play is soon and I know none of my lines expect the first 2. IF has been pretty upset with us but we laugh about it all the time. Today were suppose to know all of Act 2 and I know nothing .. expect my stage directions and I get to hold a gun!

Well thats all for now, I might keep this open ... I miss it!

7 comments|post comment

I think i want to reopen!!! [29 May 2005|08:14pm]
[ mood | weird ]

So my LJ is going to be a poetry one now. Nothing is going on in my life and most of you people are part of it so I really dont think I need to write about it lol. Anyway I'm doing the W.I.S.E program so I really need people's opinion. It won't be friends only anymore, its open to everyone and everyone to comment so yeah BITCHES! Here is the first slam .. poem .. whateva you wanna call it. Enjoy .. Comment .. Be honest!!!

White FlagsCollapse )

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[29 Apr 2005|12:14pm]
llama_x_fucks
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[27 Mar 2005|06:01pm]
Join Evidence of Life!
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..Friends Only [10 Oct 2004|01:21pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I delated everyone of my Friend's List -- Comment and if your coo your added!

58 comments|post comment

woo hoo!! [09 Oct 2004|12:02am]
[ mood | happy ]

I really don't feel like writing EVERYTHING that happen tonight because everyone else will lol. But all I'm going to say is that I'm fucking strong -- I had Mickey AND Mike W. on my back AT THE SAME TIME!!!

I had SO much fun today. THANKS KRISTI!!!

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH -- WOO HOO!!!

LEAVE A COMMENT OF LOVE!!

4 comments|post comment

I need around boy ... [05 Oct 2004|09:21am]
[ mood | silly ]

I just finish watching Man On Fire -- if you haven't seen the movie GO NOW! It was so fucking awesome. I mean like AMAZING! Its right between Little Mermaid and Scarface!

Today in school I was pretty sad. If you know how I felt last night about myself -- it was the same feeling. They I got into AP and felt really smart because I got 5 extra points!!!! I really dislike my Chem teacher. The class is fun thought -- I seat next to Brittany now WOO HOO!!

After school I went out with my mom, got some food. Now I have something to eat in my house and something to drink. Me and my mom went to go see a lawyer today because she is taken my dad to court. She wants to get my name change and in writing that my dad will help me with my college. It will suck so much ass if I see my dad in court -- that would really suck. The last time I saw him I was 4 ... oh boy!

The Shoprite in Monsey is closed which makes me really sad because I've been going there since forever and now I need a new one :(. I hate the Shoprite in Suffern so its either A&P in Montvale or the Shoprite in Nyack. My mom said we will do some market shopping -- I hate Pathmark for doing a lot of market. To get milk or some eggs at 3 o'clock in the morning, I don't mind.

Tomorrow is poetry club. I'm trying to figure out which poem to do. Hmmm..

I made some LJ icons -- I just learned how!

So its official one of my poems are being published! I mean its not like People or New York Times but its something. I can't wait to get it in the mail! My mom's boyfriend (whateva they are) is going to talk to all his publishing friends because he really likes my work. So hopefully I won't have to become a Doctor and I can write all the time. (Everyone cross your fingers and toes)

I told myself that YES I am going to go to Medical School if I don't get far in writing. But no matter what happens I will write. I already have 50$ for my tattoo on my wrist :)!

Real World is on soon -- I told my mom she is going to have to share the T.V at 10.

I think thats it ...

Patricia the problem is you have all this love to give -- you are willing to give all of you to another person, but no one is there -Dr. Quittman(My psychologist)

4 comments|post comment

[02 Oct 2004|11:06pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Today I woke up at 5:45am not the way I would like to start my Saturday but whateva. I hung out at my mom's best friends house while she was at work. When she got off all of us went to the Garden State Mall and did some shopping. I got 2 new sweaters and 1 long shirt -- hopefully my mom doesn't think thats enough for the whole winter. I got 2 more tank bra things. I got one at this New York story that my mom loves, but like the tank bra is padded so my boobs look fucking big as hell. If for some reason I look different on Monday thats the reason. Shit my boobs look big!

My feet fucking hurt..

I got off the phone with James a few minutes ago. I'm not going to seat here and give my opinion because I'm just going to give them to Lauren on the bus stop/on the bus. So yea thats that

Next topic..

Hopefully this week will be a lot better then last. I got to Sally's house (from child psych) with Mrs. Vogel on Monday -- hopefully that goes A O K! I don't think I had any major homework besides reading in AP and English.

All the Friday's in Oct besides yesterday I have a Birthday Party to go to I think. WOO HOO! lol

Halloween is on a Sunday which sucks fucking ass. Hopefully we do something on Devil's Night (In Detroit thats what they call Halloween Eve)

I saw this beautiful male working at Aero. Well I saw him like in the mall walking and he had a Linkin Park shirt on and of course I had my Linkin Park Hoody on so that caught my eye. I thought he was seXXXy as hell when I first saw him but thought nothing of it because I was never going to see him again. BUT I DID! I saw him running down the stairs with a different shirt on and that shirt was the shirt he was wearing at Aero (They have to wear shirts with the Store Logo on it) he was ringing people up. For some reason there was this big fucking sale at the Garden State so the line was really long. He didnt get to ring me up :(. I ended up going back to Aero again with my family friends and spent like a hour in there -- all I did was look at him and he was looking at me :). He has his eyebrow perice (Fucking seXXXy) -- He can't be any older then 19th which is old, whateva never going to see him again.

Hmm what else?!?!?

I see my godfather tomorrow :(

Uh...

Ok I found the dress I'm wearing at Brittany's sweet 16 and Noelle's sweet 16. I'm wearing the same fucking dress -- they are two days apart and since I dont own and skirts and the dresses I own are from weddings and um sweet 16 parties that I was part of. So the dress is aout 127 and my mom said I can buy it since its for two parties. WOO HOO!

My hair is straight :)

Monday at school I'm going to have big boobs and straight hair OH SHIT!!!

I wonder sometimes about the outcome -- Am I living it right?

3 comments|post comment

Close your eyes and just settle.. [01 Oct 2004|06:47pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I got a bad feeling about this .. I got a bad feeling about this

Thursday I was really frustrated with the school because my mom brought me medicine and they wouldn't let me take it because my mom had to be there to watch me take it. What bullshit is that?!? Then my social worker wasn't there to talk to me and I just got really mad about that because I really needed to talk to him. I felt so stupid in AP class that I started to cry. I cried every period on Thursday but 8th. Rehearsal was really good though -- I scream a lot in the play which I guess was helpful since I was so mad. Rehearsal ended early so I had nothing to do for HOURS! I'm waiting outside with Paul C. and Mike C. and Matt and Josh pull up in a car. Matt opens the door then says forget it but Josh says No do it and Matt being the pussy he is listens to Josh opens the door to talk to Paul who he doesn't even give two shits about. Does GROW UP mean anything to you?!? SHIT!

Today my mom came to school and just made everything worst. I started to cry in the office because I was just fed up with everything. 2nd period I went to the bathroom and just cried -- its a really bad habit I have, I do it in my house sometimes. Anyway I saw my social worker and just cried for the rest of 2nd and most of 3rd. I tried just to get my mind of things while in school. I finish a poem and that was about it.

I slept when I got home and I have to see my psychologist pretty soon. Tomorrow I was suppose to have like an all day with my mom kind of thing but she is going to work now. My brother is in Buffalo for a party or something so this week end is going to be one big waste.

I'm going to put some clothes on.

I miss you, yeah and I don't know what to do. I wish I could hug you, yeah just cry on your shoulder like I use too.

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Lost [29 Sep 2004|02:39pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Uh .. Nothing really has been going on besides me fucking up my life more and more.

Against my will I stand besides my own reflection

*Crawling describes my life for the moment

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Hopefully this is not the end [25 Sep 2004|11:05pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Friday was the Pep Ralley which was ONLY good because the Red Bull I drunk Thursday night was finally kicking in. I was really fucking hyper. Mickey, Hemal, SuWa, Matt and I just sat there the whole time acting a fool, THEN felt really stupid that we even stayed when Hemal could of drove us all home or something. Next time you guys!


After that whole thing, we had a read through of the play. Its so fucking funny. Everyone HAS to come to see me be a NYC female cop whos husband loves to use handcuffs in the bed. Its a very sexually play..I love it!


My cousin came to pick me up as soon as I got home so I couldnt go to the show :(. From the pictures it looked like a really good show which I fucking miss. Sorry STF, you know I love you! I went to my Aunt's house and just watch my cousin take about 3 hours to get ready. I'm so happy I don't like make up, really care for my hair, and crap like that. I wouldn't be able to waste 3 hours in just getting ready. We went out with her friends and got drunk. My cousin has changed so much since her boyfriend died. She uses guys all the time and just fucks around with them and she gets wasted every night. I had Hyponotic for the first time and I think its my favorite drink now. I'm worried about my cousin but then again I understand why she is the way she is. Her boyfriend died and then she finds out there is a 90% chance that he was cheating on her the whole time. I love her though and most likely I will be doing late night drives and getting drunk with her more often.


Today I need nothing but look over the prop list for the drama. I got home awhile ago and most likely I'm going to wait up for my brother so we can play some Grand Theft Auto. I went to sleep around 5 yesterday or early this morning so the chances of me staying up is really low. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. SUCKA!


My hives on my leg are kind of getting better. Tomorrow I'm getting some other stuff to put on it so it stops spreading.


My god father is really sick and is going to the hospital on Monday. If they don't keep him over night he is going to spend a couple of weeks at my house. He left NY to move to FL and he came back really sick. He suffers from Skitzofrenic but I love him so much. There has been a lot of problem with him and my family because of his condition. He would always thing someone was after him to kill him and do voo doo on him. But he would always talk to me and never thought I would hurt him. I'm his only daughter as he says. When I was the age of like 9 I had a dream that he was pointing a gun at my whole family and my mom took me out from behind her and he put the gun down and started crying. Me and him are just really tight and I love him so much. I just want him to be ok.


I've been high or drunk for most of this week, and I really don't care.


For 1 year and 7 months and the two years before that I feel has all been a lie and me making this picture that wasn't real. I feel complete idoit. I don't regret all of it but there was so much that I could of been avoided. I feel insecure about the future when it comes to love or anything. I feel alone. If Matt did ever love me then why did it end this way? I wasn't enough and I have to realize that I'm not enough for a lot of people, for myself. These thoughts that run through me head is the reason why I drown myself. The song "Breaking The Habit" is my song for this feeling, the only problem is that I'm not breaking any habit, just getting new ones. I hate myself.


I don't have a God to pray to or a Devil to buy my soul. I have no love to believe in and I no longer have hope. I have no God to pray to, no I have no Devil to buy my soul.

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These are the moments I wish I weren't alive.. [23 Sep 2004|01:05pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Today was bullshit..

My leg really hurts from the 13th bug bites I have.
My mom won't fucking go to the store to buy me something to put on it because this guy (her boyfriend) is over my house. Once again a man comes before me.
I have a lot of homework to do that I can give two shits about.
My leg really fucking hurts.
Today was a waste of time.
School is so fucking stupid.
People are so fucking stupid.
I'm so fucking stupid!

..Shut up

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..It hurts [22 Sep 2004|07:58pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

I got a part in the drama as Mickey. I'm really happy and felt really good in school. Today wasn't bad at all..


I came home to an empty house and Mike D didn't come over like he said he would. I got really sad and lonely so I took some shots of something I found and just layed on the couch. I feel asleep and I woke up 15mins ago. I feel so fucked up right now in all ways that it might sound. I'm drowning myself and I like the way it feels to suffocate.


Maybe I'm fucking up my life with all the shit I've been doing and MAYBE I should grow some balls and just deal with everything, but I can't. I just feel so numb and by smoking and by drinking I'm making my body more numb which is good.


I'm happy that I got a part in the play..just all hope my mom can come because if she doesn't I will flip out! She called me names last night and I was holding a spoon and thinking of ways to hurt her. I didn't think of a lot..


I sleep next to death every night and all I ask if she is alright...I really miss you Steph .. I fucked up...I'm so sorry

4 comments|post comment

..We have the right to PARRRRRRRRRTY! [21 Sep 2004|05:43pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

School today was pretty coo besides me walking all weird lol. It wasn't that bad, my feet feel much better which is the SHIT MAN!

So yea, I was talking to someone about Key Club and they wanted to know why I don't join and why I hate it well here it is: I hate when people do things just to please other people. Most people in Key Club just do it because it will look good on their college application and just because we have the best one or something. People should join because Key Club does great community service and make little kids happy, not because your application MIGHT get a second glance. I'm joining Big Sister, Big Brother program when I turn 17th not for college, but because I want to hang with a little kidd and do something that makes the happy and they will tell me "you make them happy." I just hate when people do things .. I mean anything to please people. Its so fake!

On a better note (I refuse to get upset) auditions went really good. I think I did really good .. WOO HOO go patricia.

Later kidsssss

You don't know what you got still its gone

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...ouch my feet hurt [21 Sep 2004|06:11am]
[ mood | sore ]

My feet really hurt .. I mean it hurts a lot! Jackie (Billy's lil sister) was scared to get on the wrong after school bus so from Mike W. house I walk her to the school and back WITH NO GOD DAME SHOES ON! You know I am so fucking smart..

Sunday I stayed home all day and did my homework. Nothing really happen besides my brother coming home..YAY! It was nice with him out the house for awhile.

Yesterday school was pretty ok. SO FUCKING COLD! (I can't find my Linkin Park hoodies..I can only find one) I went to auditions after school and I think I did pretty well. I didn't stay for everyone because I really didn't care to watch them.

Today schoool AND ITS FUCKING COLD AGAIN! Then auditions alll over again. I'm not going to try to get a job if I get a part. There is no way I can work with rehearses like every day. Then I have to do props so yeah .. I will be bussssy! But lets not jump to conclusions so yeah it all depends.

I'm sleeepy!

Show me how defenseless you really are...

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..very sad [18 Sep 2004|05:57pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I need to get away, yea I need to fucking escape. All this pain and all this hate go away, please just go away. Please don't leave me alone. I will cut open my heart and drown in my wrong. All I want is to be in your arms like the old days, like the old days. Remember days you would call me a friend, now I am nothing, yea now I am nothing. You told me you don't miss me, I guess I thought too deep into your words when you said you would always love me. I guess i was just so fucking stupid.

Never again will I love..

Never again will I trust...

2 comments|post comment

...Queen of Rock! [18 Sep 2004|01:41pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I found tickets for MCR .. its only 23 dollars which is really coo. Now i have to come up with the money and give it to my mom. So far Jen is coming with me .. MORE PEOPLE NEED TO COME!!

Yesterday I went to the mall with Su. I have to see Napoleon Dynamite all over because a shit load of people kept calling my mom's cell. A lot of drama last night. I had funn seeing Shantal and other people. I had a lot fun..felt good to get out the house.

Today most likely I'm going to Shantal's house to fix her computer and hang with some people. Watch some movies .. do a little booty shaking ;)

I talked to my cousins and my brother today in ATL. It was so fucking funny. I miss my cousins, they are coming down in two weeks which is extra coo.

Like we said before we rock hardcore!! (80's hip hop is music)

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..And say goodbye to the hearts you break [16 Sep 2004|11:29am]
[ mood | excited ]

Ok so I found out GREAT NEWS!

Next Saturday I'm going to a concert with Paul to see My American Heart

*Edit*
In Oct. My Chemical Romance is coming to New York. If anyone wants to come with me tell me!! I have to find tickets..someone told me they sold out so I got to find out!!

In Dec. Chronic Future is coming to New York. Most likely I'm going to go with Noelle because she is the only one I know that really likes them.

THREE MOTHERFUCKER CONCERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That made me happy. Noelle is sleeping over my house tonight and I'm going to Big Mike's house in a hour. I'm so happy about the concerts. My mom said I can go to them as long as I go with someone. WOOO HOO!!!

Whoever wants to see My Chemical Romance with me leave a comment or leave me an IM SUCKA!!!

Well I felt I couldn't take, another day inside this place
From silent dreams we never wake, and in this promise that we'll make

7 comments|post comment

Its all wrong... [15 Sep 2004|06:24pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

I haven't be ok lately. Yesterday I cried in school twice and when I got home I went straight to bed. Then when I woke up Matt called saying my number was on his caller ID and it just pissed me off because I didn't call him. I was upset before that too because someone isn't talking to me and it makes me really sad. I got out of the house to see my psychologist and the whole ride there i was upset and getting mad at my mom for no reason. My psychologist helped a little bit.

Today I cried in school three times. I have so much to do which I'm saving for Sunday. I haven't eaten anything all day besides pizza from school .. I'm just not hungry. (don't worry im not starving myself) I did something stupid when I got home and felt like I was dying but I'm a little better now. I started crying again when I talked to Paul, he didn't do anything but we were talking a lil about what is bothering me. I have nothing to do .. I'm home alone like this whole vacation thing because my brother went to ATL and my mom is working like usually. Hopefully I don't stay home at all. Sunday I want to stay home to do all my homework .. but thats it.

My nose burns...

I wish I had some money .. I need to get a job or something because my mom can't give me pocket money and stuff. The only problem is it has to be a job that I can walk to because my mom can't bring me to work.

Tomorrow will be a better day .. I try to pray .. But God doesn't hear a word i say

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