Friday was the Pep Ralley which was ONLY good because the Red Bull I drunk Thursday night was finally kicking in. I was really fucking hyper. Mickey, Hemal, SuWa, Matt and I just sat there the whole time acting a fool, THEN felt really stupid that we even stayed when Hemal could of drove us all home or something. Next time you guys!
After that whole thing, we had a read through of the play. Its so fucking funny. Everyone HAS to come to see me be a NYC female cop whos husband loves to use handcuffs in the bed. Its a very sexually play..I love it!
My cousin came to pick me up as soon as I got home so I couldnt go to the show :(. From the pictures it looked like a really good show which I fucking miss. Sorry STF, you know I love you! I went to my Aunt's house and just watch my cousin take about 3 hours to get ready. I'm so happy I don't like make up, really care for my hair, and crap like that. I wouldn't be able to waste 3 hours in just getting ready. We went out with her friends and got drunk. My cousin has changed so much since her boyfriend died. She uses guys all the time and just fucks around with them and she gets wasted every night. I had Hyponotic for the first time and I think its my favorite drink now. I'm worried about my cousin but then again I understand why she is the way she is. Her boyfriend died and then she finds out there is a 90% chance that he was cheating on her the whole time. I love her though and most likely I will be doing late night drives and getting drunk with her more often.
Today I need nothing but look over the prop list for the drama. I got home awhile ago and most likely I'm going to wait up for my brother so we can play some Grand Theft Auto. I went to sleep around 5 yesterday or early this morning so the chances of me staying up is really low. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. SUCKA!
My hives on my leg are kind of getting better. Tomorrow I'm getting some other stuff to put on it so it stops spreading.
My god father is really sick and is going to the hospital on Monday. If they don't keep him over night he is going to spend a couple of weeks at my house. He left NY to move to FL and he came back really sick. He suffers from Skitzofrenic but I love him so much. There has been a lot of problem with him and my family because of his condition. He would always thing someone was after him to kill him and do voo doo on him. But he would always talk to me and never thought I would hurt him. I'm his only daughter as he says. When I was the age of like 9 I had a dream that he was pointing a gun at my whole family and my mom took me out from behind her and he put the gun down and started crying. Me and him are just really tight and I love him so much. I just want him to be ok.
I've been high or drunk for most of this week, and I really don't care.
For 1 year and 7 months and the two years before that I feel has all been a lie and me making this picture that wasn't real. I feel complete idoit. I don't regret all of it but there was so much that I could of been avoided. I feel insecure about the future when it comes to love or anything. I feel alone. If Matt did ever love me then why did it end this way? I wasn't enough and I have to realize that I'm not enough for a lot of people, for myself. These thoughts that run through me head is the reason why I drown myself. The song "Breaking The Habit" is my song for this feeling, the only problem is that I'm not breaking any habit, just getting new ones. I hate myself.
I don't have a God to pray to or a Devil to buy my soul. I have no love to believe in and I no longer have hope. I have no God to pray to, no I have no Devil to buy my soul.